Confused

Because I do not know how to describe it. Sad, idea-less, relief, pressured, stress, moving on, believing… It’s all mixed up. 

            Every results day there are people who are happy and disappointed. For three times I’ve been in the group that feels happy. This time, the very first time, I’m disappointed. I do not make it to fulfill the requirements. I stare long at the screen wondering if this is real, my brain takes longer time to interpret what I’ve seen. Sadness filled me and I have no idea what is the next step I need to take. 

            Yes, I’m scared. Scared to read the posts on facebook. Scared to answer the questions from others. Scared to see the disappointing faces from whom I love. Scared to tell the bad news. I don’t want to worry others, to spoil their celebration mood. I feel happy for those who did well but my heart is sour at the same time I congratulate them. Now I understand how it really feels like to be falling. 

            To my surprise, I gather my strength and manage to stand up, get ready in position faster than I thought. Enough of emo moments. I know I have to face this no matter what. I know I need the strength and courage to move on. I need directions about where is the next step I should take. And, I am not alone. My parents did not blame me but giving me great support which calmed me down a lot. My friends, I can’t tell how grateful I am, they listen to me patiently when my thoughts are messed up. They give me encouragement, advice and help. I know they might be clueless as me but they are trying their best to help, indeed they have helped me a lot. 

            Do I regret for not working harder to get better results? No, I gave my best. I thank God for everything. The past two years I have gained so much more besides knowledge. Friendship, leadership, confidence, being sensitive to people’s needs, to love and care for someone you are reluctant to do so, challenge myself to another level, to forgive, enlarge my heart… I’ve learnt and grown so much that today I am stronger to go through the hard times. 

            I am praying and believing for the best to come. I surrender to Him and let Him leads the way. Yet, it is not going to be easy. Many questions waiting to be answered. I find myself in dilemmas. The suspense is torturing. There are times I wake up and hope that it’s just a nightmare and everything will be back to normal. For those of you who care and worry about me, I am okay, no worries. =) I will keep you updated. I promise, to myself and you, I will stand strong no matter how things turn out to be.